Things about Rosie O'Donnell That I Fervently Believed in 1996

That if I sent Rosie O'Donnell an invitation to eat a grilled cheese sandwich at my house she would not only accept but insist on filming it for The Rosie O'Donnell Show.

That Rosie O'Donnell and Drew Carey would make a really cute couple.

That if I sent Rosie O'Donnell a video of me singing "It's a Hard Knock Life" from Annie she would not only play it on her daytime talk show but somehow set me up with an audition for the 1997 Broadway revival.

That Rosie O'Donnell and her bandleader John McDaniel would make a really cute couple.

That if I sent Rosie O'Donnell a copy of the fake newscast my sister and cousin and I made, she would not only send us free tickets to The Rosie O'Donnell Show, but, because of my palpable charisma, would ask me to do the the audience member-recited show intro: "Hi! I'm _______from_______ and this is The Rosie O'Donnell Show. On today's show, ________. Hit it, John!"

That Rosie O'Donnell and Tom Hanks would make a really cute couple.